Ridiculous Rich People Gifts
If you've ever dreamed about being absurdly wealthy and all the things you could buy, you probably only think about the cars, houses and yachts. But what about the smaller, stupider things in life?
From insipid, overpriced Goop products to absurdly expensive gifts that only the people with more money than sense would ever buy, these items will leave you scratching your head. Some are funny, others bewildering, and a few are just downright bizarre.
This Kegel Egg Is Not Doctor Approved
Bottom line: We'll just let the description speak for itself: "Insert the egg into your vagina and feel the connection with your body by squeezing and releasing the egg."
Does it work? Doctors say no!
"I read the post on GOOP and all I can tell you is it is the biggest load of garbage I have read on your site since vaginal steaming," Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN, wrote on her website. "It’s even worse than claiming bras cause cancer. But hey, you aren’t one to let facts get in the way of profiting from snake oil."
Modern Art for Your Pet
Bottom line: Want to create a portrait of your pet? You've come to the right place.
We're not saying art for pets is a bad idea, but a minimalist sketch of your dog might belong in the same category as other dumb pet products such as strollers and doggles.
Then again, practicality has nothing to do with any of these gifts.
Bring Some Gwyneth Paltrow Home With This Candle
Bottom line: This scented candle was inspired by Gwyneth Paltrow's nether regions while she was tripping on mushrooms in Jamaica.
Apparently, she smelled a candle, declared "This smells like my vagina," and the now-infamous V-candle was born.
Bring a little Gwyneth into your home for $75.
Be Empowered With This Moon-Powered Aromatic Spray
Bottom line: These aromatic sprays can be found on Goop for $46 a pop and also Sandoval's website, where they can be paired for the dynamite savings price of $78.
Each 16-oz spray "contains Amethyst and Rosequartz crystals that have been charged under the full moon to amplify intention and elevate your experience."
They're made in California, because, of course, they would be.
Infuse Your Water With Magic Crystals
Bottom line: Up your clueless pretentiousness with this glass water bottle that includes a chunk of clear quartz, which "is the stone of ultimate wisdom and total clarity. It harnesses the balancing energy of positivity, healing, connection and wisdom," according to the Glacce website.
Why not just stab yourself with it and harness even more energy?
Chew on a Dehydrated Caviar Bar
Bottom line: Caviar is the ultimate rich people food due to its rarity. But what if you could dry it out and eat it like chocolate?
Granted, you're not supposed to do that with these bars, which are meant to be shaved, but you could.
They cost $99 for a 1.4-ounce bar or $150 for a 2.5-ounce one. Weird.
These Dumbbells Aren't for the Brightest
Maker: Addition Studios
Bottom line: Want to get sculpted like a marble statue? This overpriced one-kilogram marble dumbbell won't do that.
But it'll remind you that either: a) you have more than enough money in your bank account, or b) you need to learn how to budget.
Get Buzzing With this Coffee Enema Kit
Maker: Implant O'Rama
Bottom line: What's better than squirting water up your wazoo? Flooding it with coffee, of course. Promoted by Goop, this $135 gallon-sized coffee enema kit is made out of materials that won't react to coffee.
How safe and smart are coffee enemas? So safe and smart that the Implant O'Rama site repeatedly warns that they are absolutely not making any health claims about the new-age enema craze.
Make Yeast Great Again With This Lamp
Bottom line: Some scholars say the first bread ever made by humans was in ancient Egypt in 1000 B.C. In ancient Roman times, emperors gave their Roman citizens a grain dole so they might make porridge or bring their grains to a baker for some tough, unleavened bread. In modern times, hundreds of millions of people still eat bread every day. Now witness evolution in the making: the bread lamp. What was once sustenance now brings light.
Bread lamps are a kitsch item from Japan by Pampshade, and you can get more than just a baguette at their online shop. Want to light the way with croissants, toasts or loaves of boule? They have you covered. It's all real bread, too, but it's covered in resin.
Be Better Off, Don't Buy This Bracelt
Bottom line: This wrist cuff, promoted by Goop, is just a titanium bracelet with "Be Well" etched into it to "remind its wearer to stay grounded and manifest positivity every damn day."
Stay grounded by not spending $270 on this.
Carry Your Melons with Style
Maker: Tsuchiya Kaban
Price: Unlisted (price upon request)
Bottom line: Japan has a bit of a melon fetish, with square designer watermelons selling for $80 and melons selling for upward of $200. With that in mind, maybe it makes sense to have a handmade designer bag for these fruits.
Japanese bag designer Tsuchiya Kaban sells these melon carriers for an undisclosed price — you need to inquire for a quote — but they're certainly not cheap. Their least expensive shoulder bag sells for $582.
This 'Perfect' Ice Cube Maker Will Always Be There for You
Maker: Hammacher Schlemmer
Bottom line: Imagine this scenario: You have a guest over, and they want a glass of water with ice. But you're all out of ice. What do you do? Run to the gas station like some pleb and buy a bag of it for $3? No, you plan ahead for these unseemly situations and buy The Perfect Ice Cube from Hammacher Schlemmer.
This copper contraption can make one "perfect" two-and-a-half inch ball of ice in one minute. Never be without ice and have your reputation ruined again.
It weighs 19 pounds.
This Magical Mat Isn't Magic
Bottom line: A full-body heating pad isn't a bad idea, since heat therapy is a common treatment for muscle pains. But you know what doesn't work? Magic crystals that "rebalance your chakras."
This charlatan therapy mat includes crushed "natural healing crystals" like amethyst, sodalite, blue lace agate and red jasper gemstones that will do absolutely nothing for your health.
It's on Amazon.
Contact Only Dead Rich People With This Ouija Board
Maker: Edie Parker
Bottom line: Want to contact the dead, but not let any of those stinky poor people out from behind the cosmic veil? Then use this overpriced board.
This is an Edie Parker Ouija board that is, well, it's just like any other Ouija board, except it has some French on it, it's glittery, and it costs almost $2,000.
Sleep Like the Astronauts on This Zero-Gravity Chair
Bottom line: This Varier chair is designed to simulate sitting in zero gravity. The chair shifts with you.
It was designed by Norwegian designer Peter Opsvik, and it seems like a cool concept, depending on how it works in practicality.
Who wants to drop $2,000 and find out?
Let Everyone Know You're Rich by Blasting This Gold Leaf Bluetooth Speaker
Bottom line: This is a single, large wireless speaker that weighs 25 pounds and looks like some kind of alien pod. We know that audiophiles can spend hundreds, even thousands, of dollars on speaker equipment, but this looks like more of a gift for people who desire looks over audio quality.
Reviews on Amazon average at 3.6 out of 5 stars, with several reviewers citing poor customer service and spotty wireless capabilities. Not exactly the kind of thing you want when plopping down $3,000.
Ateliers GoHard offers this speaker with gold leaf, if you can find it, pushing the price up to $3,490. And for the truly complete experience, you'll need to buy two.
Overpay for Super Expensive, Scratchable Pots and Pants
Price: £2,990 (about $3,960)
Bottom line: It's a smart idea to spend a few hundred dollars on a solid set of pots of pans if you can afford it, but almost $4,000?
This seven-piece set from Ondine designed by French designer/nutrition coach Marie Guerlain can serve no possible purpose other than looking really expensive. They're made of titanium, which is by no means a super expensive metal.
Additionally, all the handles get hot, and the FAQ suggests you not use metal tools so you don't scrape them up. Form over function has no purpose in the kitchen.
A Mirror for Those With a God Complex
Maker: Hammacher Schlemmer
Bottom line: For those with the ultimate god complex, this utterly bizarre mirror only exists to superimpose 3-D clouds around your face.
It also has some LED lighting "that cast a lustrous, celestial glow" from the computer clouds, so you can digitally bathe in the greatness of your own being.
It's not a joke.
Pay Thousands for This Unnecessary Arcade Cabinet
Maker: Love Hulten
Bottom line: Love Hulten offers these sleek, custom-designed wall-mounted arcade cabinets that are horribly overpriced. While it can play a number of vintage games, that's misleading, since you'll need to download (read: pirate) them yourself and hook them up via a USB.
The same experience can be had with a $100 Raspberry Pi starter kit and a television. Or you can build your own arcade cabinet from a place like Monster Arcade for a fraction of this price.
A Book About Ferraris for Suckers
Bottom line: This is a limited edition leather book about Ferraris, signed by Piero Ferrari, which comes with an engine-inspired display case. The book has a bunch of old photographs and tells the story of Ferrari. That's about it.
It's $6,000, because Taschen knows that people who buy Ferraris have enough to spend on other useless Ferrari-related items.
Sit on the Floor for $6,000
Maker: Addition Studio
Bottom line: This is a couch from the absurdly expensive design studio Addition Studio, but it's not exactly a couch. It's just one big, adjustable cushion that can be propped up with a band for a back ... and it costs $6,600.
So what's the point? Well, the Caterpillar Couch is "suitable for meditation and video streaming," according to the website.
And you thought this thing was completely useless.
Pretend to Exercise With This Cashmere Gym Set
Maker: Loro Piana
Price: $7,700 (sold separately)
Bottom line: This has to be a joke, right? Loro Piana is selling cashmere-wrapped gym equipment for thousands of dollars.
A set of two 1-kilogram weights cost $2,150 (they're metal with cashmere and leather wraps), the cashmere gym ball costs $2,000, the lambskin and cashmere jump rope sells for $625, and the 2-kilogram cashmere weights sell for $2,150.
Of course, you'll need the $525 cashmere water bottle carrier and the $200 cotton towel after pretending to use these utterly insipid gifts.
Don't Let the Cat Get a Hold of This Useless Item
Bottom line: Tiffany has a whole line of items called Everyday Objects, which are mundane items recreated with expensive materials — namely silver.
The most useless of the line is this $9,500 silver ball of yarn, which serves absolutely no purpose. For some reason, this object reminds us of the song, "The Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin.
Not sure why.
Get Eaten by This Infrared Sauana
Maker: Hammacher Schlemmer
Bottom line: Step into the jaws of this infrared sauna, and feel your bank account cry. Infrared saunas are a new-age pseudo health therapy that supposedly sweats your body of toxins by heating your body without heating the air around it. It's like a sauna, only the light purportedly penetrates the skin more deeply than regular heat, which means the body sweats out even more toxins.
This one includes 440 jade stones that have been "used in China since the Neolithic Era to relax the nervous system, that are heated by an undermounted infrared mat and radiate heat to soothe and loosen muscles, improve circulation, and burn calories," according to the website.
Spoilers: This stuff doesn't work.
Wire Your Garden, Empty Your Bank Account
Maker: Data Garden
Bottom line: You know what's better than having a garden? Wiring that sucker up to play sweet MIDI (Musical Instrument Digital Interface) noise for $25,000.
Data Garden is a plant music business that uses technology that translates "micro fluctuations in conductivity on the surface of a leaf into MIDI" and turns it into human-made sounds. So you can pretend your plants are playing instruments, or something.
It costs $25,000 because it's art, maybe? There's also a budget version of this bio-music from PlantWave, which sells for $300.
Wow, All the Skaters Want This Louis Vuitton Skateboard
Maker: Louis Vuitton/Supreme
Bottom line: Want to try and buy back your youth? Then look no further than this Louis Vuitton-designed Supreme skateboard, which sold for an astonishing $88,200 at auction in 2020.
Because what encapsulates counter-culture better than Louis Vuitton?
Heat the Water After It Hits This Tub
Maker: Igneous Bath
Bottom line: If you want to bathe in the blood of 1,000 virgins, don't do it in any old bath. Do it with one of these concrete self-heating designer tubs from Igneous Bath which, according to Goop, have a starting price of $100,000.
We hope that includes installation.
Pretend You're Driving a 917 Instead of Actually Buying One
Maker: Hammacher Schlemmer
Bottom line: This is ridiculous, but it's also awesome.
This is a replica, full-sized wooden Porsche 917 which, at the touch of a button opens up to reveal a 1:32-scale Le Mans raceway as it was in 1971. It includes working streetlights, 12 toy cars, two racing controllers and period-accurate signage.
Of course, for $125,000, you can buy a 911 GTS. Just not a real 917. Those sell for over $10 million.
Wine Stewards Hate This Contraption
Maker: Hammacher Schlemmer
Bottom line: Do you employ a boy or girl whose sole purpose is to open bottles of expensive wine so you don't cut yourself on the foil? Well, fire that useless knob because the Eccentric's Wine Steward Eliminator just took their job.
This eight-foot-tall, Rube Goldberg machine is made from 300 moving parts of "ancient iron" (read: reclaimed iron) and will both pop open a bottle of the sweet grape and pour it for you. Just read the description:
"Turning a hand crank engages a set of gears, chains, and levers that lower a corkscrew into a bottle’s cork until the ding of a bell and a blacksmith’s hammer swings down to lock off the handle and initiate the pouring sequence. A giant clock spring and an Elizabethan cannonball wound up by the uncorking cycle release to raise and tilt the bottle into a horizontal position. The rate of pour is marshalled by a spinning, weighted governor made from old steam engine spanners."
Each one of these ridiculously expensive items is handmade and unique and weighs a ton. But who cares about the weight or practicality of this thing. Just look at how much fun that man is having. He's clapping! Don't you want to be clapping? You can for the price of a house.
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