Let us tell you a story: Once upon a time, before the pandemic, people went to the office every day. They did their work, conversed with their colleagues, went to lunch and drinks together, and more or less worked for the common goals of the company. Whether they were separated by office doors or cubicles or simply worked in a large open space, the office provided a sense of community — as well as a paycheck.
In those oh-so-distant times, we spent so much of our waking lives in the office. So did these Twitter users, who tweeted some of the most bizarre, yet hilarious, questions about work life. As Michael Scott, the surly boss from “The Office,” would say, “I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
Whatever you say, boss!
Welcome to Paradise
Yes, the bathroom is everyone’s oasis at work.
Enough said.
Post-It Paul and Paula
Some coworkers simply refuse to enter the 21st century and send an email or instant message rather than walking a Post-It note to someone’s desk and leaving it on their computer monitor.
Especially if the monitor is blank, meaning the person is somewhere no Post-It note could locate them.
Someone Got a Raise!
If you have to ask how many cases you can fit in the trunk of your Porsche, odds are you’re overpaid.
Or misappropriating company funds. Or Elon Musk.
Sure, Snooze Away
We all know that tech support takes their sweet time in fixing anything.
So, if you’re in need of a new work computer, @TheEnforcer_87, your best bet might be to grab your favorite teddy, put your sleeping hat on and catch your z’s while you wait.
You Won’t See that on ‘Jeopardy!’
How this ever came up at this person’s office is quite the mystery, but the question implies that they’re in serious need of a map.
Happy Whatever
Hmmm… we get what you’re doing there, @EddieJMyer. But, if you’re in the office on Memorial Day, chances are you didn’t get the memo that it’s a federal holiday.
So, wish the darkened office, with the AC turned off for the holiday, a lovely Memorial Day. Then go home; it’s a holiday!
Sweeping Up the Office Chimney
Fine, some people still smoke and go outside the office to light up. But then the rest of us still have to inhale the fumes when Barry returns to his desk.
Explain to us how this is preferable to cologne and perfume!
Right on Time
Let’s get real: Absolutely no one is seated at their desk, all programs launched and “ready” to work right at 9 a.m.
And what else are you supposed to do while firing up your email and other business software than take to Twitter, where you can do things like research the biggest boogers ever found … uh, we mean the funniest questions asked at work.
Does This Person Work in a Piercing Parlor?
If tweeter @vaughndavis has any job other than in a body parlor, then he’s in need of a serious visit from HR to get his life straightened out.
Maybe where you work it’s common parlance to discuss piercings at the office, but our boss is a bit more of a hard case.
Anchors Away!
Accidents on the high seas can be very costly, both in terms of lost productivity and, sometimes, even lost personnel. Various ports are notorious for their foggy banks, so it’s best to take the conservative approach, @ryanpatey.
Drop anchor and balance your checkbook while you wait out the fog. Or better yet, explain to a millennial what a “checkbook” is!
Arrested Attention Span
Oh, right, it’s 100 percent OK with the boss that you’re watching TV on your computer while you’re supposed to be working. Totally OK!
After all, “Arrested Development” is a great show, and if you have to ask this question about your office, chances are you would be a perfect addition to the cast, mate!
Snow Daze
@sushipyjamas sure has her priorities straight. For anyone wondering, New Zealand, being in the Southern Hemisphere, has seasons precisely opposite to America’s, meaning their summer starts in December and ends around March. Not a bad time to ski, we suppose, but someone should tell @sushipyjamas that, just like in the Northern Hemisphere, skiing doesn’t happen in summer!
But we like her ambition for getting a creative snow day off work.
Is This Word Even Being Used Correctly?
Chances are, the person who used “eccentric” in the staff meaning didn’t even know what it means.
But that’s why we enjoy our eccentric (synonyms: unconventional, peculiar, anomalous) coworkers, right?
‘P’ Is for ‘Please Don’t’
@labergee appears to be male and, therefore, should probably not be found anywhere near the women’s restroom for any number of reasons. Just because they have toilets doesn’t mean you can use them.
You should have learned this back in kindergarten.
Buffing Up on Immigration Law
For just a moment, let’s set aside that “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was fictional (duh!), and let’s take @Nmgm22’s question at face value when it comes to the book, “The Secret History of Elizabeth Tudor, Vampire Slayer.” (Also, never mind that it takes place when Queen Elizabeth I was on the throne — long before the U.S. was founded.)
It’s possible that Lizzy could get an H-2B foreign worker program. But if she becomes a resident of the USA, she’ll need a green card … and to promptly renounce her throne!
Don’t Text and Work
Not to scare you, @kserving, but at least in theory, your boss could ask you to hand over your phone, so he or she could see what you’ve been texting.
Ergo, if you’ve been texting Christa from accounting about what a pill the boss is, don’t be shocked if you’re caught text-slagging the boss and get reprimanded.
I’m on a Boat!
Whoever posed this question clearly works at an office with some serious cash to flash around if they can rent the entire boat for the holiday party.
We’re lucky if we get a thank you card in December (spoiler alert: we didn’t).
There’s Absolutely No Award for This
If you’re the first person to show up at the office, chances are you’re a classic overachiever. You know the type: the one who sat in the front row in school, always read way ahead of the assignment and constantly had their hand raised begging to give the answer.
Well, now that person is at the office at 5 a.m., just to show up everyone else. Good luck making work friends, @IrinaTheNerd, but at least your Twitter handle shows your not afraid to own it.